I think we all must go through it. At least I know I did and I have seen others around me go through it too. We want the best for our children. We want them to have more than we did growing up, or at least the same as we did. So, we spend, spend, spend. Sometimes on items they need. Sometimes on items they want. Sometimes on items just to get them to be quiet.
I went through this phase with my son when he was younger where I felt that if I wasn't buying him stuff I wasn't being a good parent. Every time we went to the store he walked out with a new toy. Sometimes it was a cheap little dollar car but sometimes it was a more expensive toy. I felt good seeing the smile on his face and he was happy with his new acquisition.
However, I quickly started noticing that these new toys, so fascinating and entertaining while we were in the store or on the car ride home, suddenly seemed to lose their magical properties when we got home. I would find them outside, in the back yard smashed by my experimenting son with the shovel or buried in the dirt. Now, I admit, it wasn't every toy that I bought him but it I was spending enough of my hard earned money to be upset that he wasn't taking better care of them! So, I told myself I just wasn't going to do it anymore. Period!
I can hear you all laughing now. It isn't that simple. I know or at least I found out. But it was a learning experience I think many of us a parents go through. The next time we went to the store I was determined not to buy my son anything he didn't absolutely need. He whined. He cried. He basically pitched a fit and....walked away with a toy car. I consoled myself with the fact that at least it was only a dollar.
When we visited a store again we went through the same routine but he walked away with a more expensive toy. I was inwardly crushed! Why couldn't I just stick to my plan? So, the next time I resolved to stand firm....only to cave again. But I was getting smarter. I set a dollar limit for him that I was comfortable with. It was a step in the right direction at least.
This went on for years. There were times that he still through a fit but I learned not to give him his way. You see, I had known for years-as a teacher and an aunt-that the attention that you grant to children reinforces or extinguishes their behavior. That was basic psychology 101! It just took me a while to realize the application of it to my own child. It was so much easier to do with my students in a classroom. After all I was only partially responsible for their development. My son was completely my responsibility. I had big dreams for how I wanted him to grow up, the kind of man he would become. I still do! Remembering that is when it hit me-square in the forehead!!
My constant giving in to my son's tantrums was reinforcing behavior I most certainly did not want him to have. I started focusing on what I was teaching him. What lasting lessons would come out of our interactions? Did I want him to believe that he could behave anyway he wanted and still deserve to be rewarded? Absolutely not! I love my son, unequivocally but that love meant setting limits. It may sound harsh to some parents, but I came to the conclusion that because I loved him I had to make him earn those things he wanted.
My reasoning was that my job as his mother was to prepare him to be successful once I was no longer caring for him. I have 18 or so years to see that he is able to take care of him self responsibly. That means there is a lot of learning that has to happen! I have to teach him by what I say and do that life hands you nothing...you earn it! Sometimes it's easy to earn and sometimes it takes a whole lot of effort.
It changed a lot of what I do with my son. I guess, as I look at it, I stopped being so enamored with being a mom, with having this precious little boy and started actually learning myself. I started learning what it meant to be a parent. My child is not a toy that I buy adornments for. He's a life-long commitment of teaching, guiding and loving. I will never be a perfect parent. I will make plenty of mistakes. In the end, the measure of my success will be how well my son fares on his own.
Why the diatribe? Because I see too many other parents not instill discipline in their children. They seem afraid to lose their child's love if they do so. They don't set limits, don't curb their child's impulses and give them whatever they want. It pains me to watch it. I cry for that child. It especially hurts when it is someone close to me and when I see how disrespectful their child is back to them.
I see one friend who racks up credit card debt so her children can go to dance classes, gymnastics classes, art classes and so she can take them on vacation. They deserve it. That's how she feels. I see another who buys a 7 year old his own tablet computer for his birthday so he can play games on it! Another who purchased a car for a teenager who then refused to drive it, even though he picked it out and had to have it so he could get a job! Then had to sell the car at a loss, but bought him another one a few years later.
I do not mean to sound judgmental but there is a huge difference between helping your child and hindering them. If I have to pick my vision, I'm going with far-sighted. Too many people nowadays are near-sighted when it comes to their kids.
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