To those of you who have children (even one) and are raising them without the other parent in the home,
Your child loves both of you as his parents regardless of how the two of you feel about each other. He wants to spend time with, hug, snuggle with, and play with both of you. He wants each of you to do the same with him. And, he is going to challenge each of you as he grows. Those challenges may come in different forms, at different times but they will be there for both of you.
The best thing you can do for your child is to be open to allowing his relationship with the other parent grow as it will. Don't try to control it. Don't try to thwart it. Just let it be....whatever it will become. Your child will thank you for it! Okay, maybe not with an outward thank you, but they will be happier and more well-adjusted.
Regardless of how the two of you feel about each other now there must have been a time that the two of you got along and had some form of love for each other. That love happened to manifest itself in the form of a child that you both were granted as a gift. Read that again, please. Yes, your child was a gift. To BOTH of you!
You may hate each other and treat each other as awfully as you wish - though I must say I have an issue with that as well. Hey, it's your perogative. Just as there was at some point love between you, I'm certain that this is a definite reason you are no longer together. But, you know what? That doesn't matter when it comes to your child. Hold it against your ex all you want. NEVER allow it to interfere with how you raise your child. If that means being nice to them when your child is around or encouraging them to keep in contact with your ex so be it!
About now you may be thinking, "Oh yeah, what do you know? He (insert all the nasty stuff you are holding onto that he/she did to you and you are carrying around as baggage)." You may be thinking that I haven't been through what you have. You're right. I have never walked in your shoes, been through what you've been through or felt what you feel. You may be thinking that I just don't have any clue what I'm talking about. You might be right. However, I have been teaching for 19 years now. I've worked with thousands of children and seen many different scenarios when it comes to parenting. I've also seen what those children are like, their strengths, weaknesses, insecurities, and confidences.
I may not know what you are going through or have been through, but I have my own story. Allow me to share it.
In August of 2000 I found out I was pregnant. My boyfriend and I had technically broken up in June of that year and had one tryst after that. I wasn't too thrilled with the prospect of telling him about the pregnancy because I knew he wouldn't take it well ~ understatement. I was thrilled, and more than a little frightened, about being pregnant. Thrilled because I wanted a child, badly. I had already missed the opportunity three times before (story for another blog). Frightened for a number of reasons: 1. I knew my ex wasn't going to be happy with the news, 2. I knew I was going to be doing this alone, 3. I had had issues before and needed medical assistance my first trimester....I could go on but I think you get the picture.
When I broke the news, he didn't take it bad....he took it miserably, horribly, terribly bad! He called me every bad name he could think of. He questioned whether it was his (though I had been faithful the entire 14 moths of our relationship and dated no one after). He accused me of trying to trap him into marriage. He told me that he would go to court and get an order from a judge to get an abortion or at least to stop the medication I was taking to increase my progesterone production. (Yeah, good luck with that one! LOL) He had his sister, a lawyer who had worked with adoptions, call me and try to convince me to give the baby up for adoption. And that was just the first two weeks after I told him. Yes, I felt totally, completely rejected, sad, and angry. I get it.
Over the course of my pregnancy, our relationship was a roller coaster. It's the best way I can describe it. Literally within one twenty-four hour period I recall him saying how we would be a family and make things work only to call me at 2:22 in the morning (I looked at the clock before answering the phone and that fact that the time still sticks in my head tells you a lot about how it scarred me in some ways) to say that I was a bitch and we were never going to be together. He was going to move to Canada and I wouldn't see a dime from him. See, for him it always seemed to be about the money.
Things settled down towards the end of my pregnancy and he was there during the delivery. He moved into my house for 6 months. It was then that I found out he was using drugs. I hadn't seen any signs before. I am naive, I know. I don't drink alcohol and have never tried any type of illegal drug so I just wasn't tuned into any of that....until I found something on my floor. Thankfully my son didn't crawl until he was a year old! His dad was asked to move out and told that I would help him kick the habit if he wanted the help. I assured him that I wasn't breaking things off, but that for the sake of our son and my job as a teacher he had to go. He immediately got a girlfriend!
Once I finally accepted that this wasn't even the guy I wanted to share my life with, we both moved on and I took on full responsibility for our son. We worked out a verbal agreement that he would help support him financially, but whenever it came time to hand over any money there was always something else more important that had come up. So, I decided that I needed to protect myself and my son and took him to court to make everything legal.....and he went ballistic!
Our son is ten now. Those years between then and now weren't all rosy. Far from it. I would say the first 6 years of our sons life the relationship between my ex and I was rocky. He would work and then quit or get fired. He would "forget" about picking our son up for his weekend visits or, one time, refuse to bring him home ~ and yes, being the mom that I am I called the cops to make sure he fully understood what the paperwork said! He broke into my house. I got my screaming son back one weekend because my ex couldn't get him to stop crying only to find two (yup, 2) pennies in his feces during his diaper change.
I tell you all of this because I want you to understand that, while I can never truly completely understand what you are going through because I've never walked in your shoes, I have similar experiences and share similar emotions.I could go on telling you negative stories, but....
The story isn't completely negative. Yes, I put up with a lot of crap from my ex. Yes, it was emotionally trying and hurtful. Yes, I had a hard time letting go of the things he had done to ME as well as how I felt he cared for our son. Yet, I got to a point where I realized that I needed to let it go. All those negative feelings were weighing ME down, not him because I was the one carrying the baggage around.
So, I threw my hands up and gave everything over to God. Honestly! It was bigger than me and I just couldn't take it anymore. Even though I didn't feel like it at first, I started to be nice to my ex. He didn't notice, but that was okay. I started encouraging him rather than ignoring him (my way of coping). I had long before told myself I wouldn't say anything nasty or negative about my ex to our son and I had stuck to that. Nothing good would come out of it anyway. But, now I was actually trying to be nice.
When he lost his job(s) I would listen to him tell me about why. When his car was repossessed from my driveway one night as he visited our son, I drove him back to his house and offered to help him out getting around. When he took a part-time job at UPS in the hopes of going full-time as a driver some day, I was supportive. I told him I understood his goal and didn't hound him about money - even when things were very tight. (So tight that I couldn't pay daycare for months but was blessed with a lady who understood and would wait for me to get my tax return money.) When he didn't feel comfortable taking our son to the house he was renting a room in because his roommate was "crazy", I allowed him to stay on the couch at my house and I didn't protest when that became every weekend rather than the court-ordered every other weekend. I was honest with him when he made a comment about us getting back together (an emphatic NO!), but tried to do it kindly.
It became easier the more I practice it. Hey, I'm human and will admit that there were times that I did NOT want to be nice and I wasn't. There were times that my own family told me I was stupid to "put up with so much of his shit". But I had given to God and once I did, truly did, I didn't have to worry about it anymore.
You know what happened? God turned my ex around. Maybe not completely or exactly how I would have wanted, but he changed him into a better father. The last 3 to 4 years have been good. We talk like friends, not just about our son. I can share woes with him about dating or about my job. We don't do it all the time, but sometimes we do. His jobs have been more stable. He doesn't miss weekends that he is supposed to be with our son anymore unless we have discussed it first and there is a good reason. In fact, during the summer because I am a school teacher, he takes our son every weekend. It's an arrangement we agreed upon....without any court assistance needed.
I used to bear the burden of our son pretty much on my own. Now, I don't have to. Last summer when things were tight, my ex stepped up and gave me extra money to help carry us through the summer months when things are the leanest for us. When issues have come up at school or at home discipline-wise, I share them with my ex and we discuss what we feel is best for our son. He backs me up. It isn't bliss, but I feel it's pretty good. I think we've come a long way.
In reading through this, were you able to figure out why? Because I learned and accepted that it wasn't about me! It was and always will be about our son. Carrying all of that baggage with memories of who my ex WAS didn't give him room to become anything more. It made the focus him or me not this wonderful gift of a son that we were given. The focus shifted from us to HIM.
It took one of us to get the ball rolling in the right direction. It wasn't easy! I had to constantly keep letting it go, keeping my focus on our son. My wise friend, Sandi, told me, "Just be the best mom you can be and don't worry about his dad. You can't control him, what he doesn't or doesn't do. Your son will one day be old enough to make his own judgments and you need to allow him to do that. If you don't, he will resent you for it." That resonated with me and I have never forgotten it. Her words were the catalyst to me giving it over to God and getting so much more in return than I could ever imagine.
Love your child by letting it go. You cannot change the past. Forgive and start over with today. Do that each and every day. Give it time and see how things change!
In Him ~
Sandra D
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