Disclaimer: To any male reading this, my intent is not to bash men or to try to say that one gender is better than the other. I'm simply celebrating a female perspective at this point.
I have to take a moment to marvel at the beauty with which God created woman. After forty years on this Earth I've come to the conclusion that women are awesomely strong creatures. Yes, it took me that long to appreciate what it truly meant to be a woman-not to be confused with a girl. A girl remains childish in her thinking and behavior, but a woman....that's a different story.
She cares for others, often putting others' needs ahead of her own. She is a mother even if she has not children of her own-or for that matter aren't really children. Think about what that means. A mother is the glue that holds the household together. She cooks and cleans making sure that the house is running smoothly. She tends to the physical, emotional, educational, and social needs of her charges.
She deals with the stresses of arguing "siblings", sick "children", time constraints, monetary constraints, etc. Yet she finds the time to give each person what they need. A hug for one. Reading a story at bedtime for another. One gets a bath while another gets help with their homework.
A woman is soft and warm inviting others to open up and share their feelings. She offers comfort and relief. Her yoke is not light as she usually carries the burden of worrying about others. But she bears it, gladly for the sake of those around her.
A woman delights in the escapades of her "children". Their exploits cause her fits of giggles and she rejoices in their successes. Her face lights up and a smile spreads across her face as she bursts with pride at each new milestone.
A woman sets boundaries for the sake of her "children" and is firm in upholding them. Her commitment is resolute and unshakeable. Though it is heartbreaking for her to bear the scorn and anger of those she imposes the limits on, she sees the greater purpose and remains steadfast.
She is encouraging to others and fiercely protective of those she loves. She would lay down her life for them and go down fighting.
Yet she is apt to be so extremely critical of herself. As much as she sees the potential and positive in everyone else, she often fails to recognize it in herself. Rather, she sees those opportunities she has for improvement.
A woman cries. When she's happy, when she's sad...just because she seems to have sprung a leak and doesn't really understand why. She isn't ashamed of it either. To her it is a sign of her strength, not a weakness.
I know so many real woman. I know ones who have faced divorce and kept their family together. I know a few who have battled cancer and refused to let it win. I know those that have suffered great losses but kept loving. I know that who have been used and have continued giving anyway. Not as victims, but because it was what was in their heart.
Yes, sometimes I am amazed when I stop and think about the women in my life, especially when I scan the years in my memory. We have a strength that defies explanation and deserves celebration. And God deserves the praise for his infinitely wise design!
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Saturday, July 14, 2012
The Greatest Gift a Parent Can Give
I think we all must go through it. At least I know I did and I have seen others around me go through it too. We want the best for our children. We want them to have more than we did growing up, or at least the same as we did. So, we spend, spend, spend. Sometimes on items they need. Sometimes on items they want. Sometimes on items just to get them to be quiet.
I went through this phase with my son when he was younger where I felt that if I wasn't buying him stuff I wasn't being a good parent. Every time we went to the store he walked out with a new toy. Sometimes it was a cheap little dollar car but sometimes it was a more expensive toy. I felt good seeing the smile on his face and he was happy with his new acquisition.
However, I quickly started noticing that these new toys, so fascinating and entertaining while we were in the store or on the car ride home, suddenly seemed to lose their magical properties when we got home. I would find them outside, in the back yard smashed by my experimenting son with the shovel or buried in the dirt. Now, I admit, it wasn't every toy that I bought him but it I was spending enough of my hard earned money to be upset that he wasn't taking better care of them! So, I told myself I just wasn't going to do it anymore. Period!
I can hear you all laughing now. It isn't that simple. I know or at least I found out. But it was a learning experience I think many of us a parents go through. The next time we went to the store I was determined not to buy my son anything he didn't absolutely need. He whined. He cried. He basically pitched a fit and....walked away with a toy car. I consoled myself with the fact that at least it was only a dollar.
When we visited a store again we went through the same routine but he walked away with a more expensive toy. I was inwardly crushed! Why couldn't I just stick to my plan? So, the next time I resolved to stand firm....only to cave again. But I was getting smarter. I set a dollar limit for him that I was comfortable with. It was a step in the right direction at least.
This went on for years. There were times that he still through a fit but I learned not to give him his way. You see, I had known for years-as a teacher and an aunt-that the attention that you grant to children reinforces or extinguishes their behavior. That was basic psychology 101! It just took me a while to realize the application of it to my own child. It was so much easier to do with my students in a classroom. After all I was only partially responsible for their development. My son was completely my responsibility. I had big dreams for how I wanted him to grow up, the kind of man he would become. I still do! Remembering that is when it hit me-square in the forehead!!
My constant giving in to my son's tantrums was reinforcing behavior I most certainly did not want him to have. I started focusing on what I was teaching him. What lasting lessons would come out of our interactions? Did I want him to believe that he could behave anyway he wanted and still deserve to be rewarded? Absolutely not! I love my son, unequivocally but that love meant setting limits. It may sound harsh to some parents, but I came to the conclusion that because I loved him I had to make him earn those things he wanted.
My reasoning was that my job as his mother was to prepare him to be successful once I was no longer caring for him. I have 18 or so years to see that he is able to take care of him self responsibly. That means there is a lot of learning that has to happen! I have to teach him by what I say and do that life hands you nothing...you earn it! Sometimes it's easy to earn and sometimes it takes a whole lot of effort.
It changed a lot of what I do with my son. I guess, as I look at it, I stopped being so enamored with being a mom, with having this precious little boy and started actually learning myself. I started learning what it meant to be a parent. My child is not a toy that I buy adornments for. He's a life-long commitment of teaching, guiding and loving. I will never be a perfect parent. I will make plenty of mistakes. In the end, the measure of my success will be how well my son fares on his own.
Why the diatribe? Because I see too many other parents not instill discipline in their children. They seem afraid to lose their child's love if they do so. They don't set limits, don't curb their child's impulses and give them whatever they want. It pains me to watch it. I cry for that child. It especially hurts when it is someone close to me and when I see how disrespectful their child is back to them.
I see one friend who racks up credit card debt so her children can go to dance classes, gymnastics classes, art classes and so she can take them on vacation. They deserve it. That's how she feels. I see another who buys a 7 year old his own tablet computer for his birthday so he can play games on it! Another who purchased a car for a teenager who then refused to drive it, even though he picked it out and had to have it so he could get a job! Then had to sell the car at a loss, but bought him another one a few years later.
I do not mean to sound judgmental but there is a huge difference between helping your child and hindering them. If I have to pick my vision, I'm going with far-sighted. Too many people nowadays are near-sighted when it comes to their kids.
I went through this phase with my son when he was younger where I felt that if I wasn't buying him stuff I wasn't being a good parent. Every time we went to the store he walked out with a new toy. Sometimes it was a cheap little dollar car but sometimes it was a more expensive toy. I felt good seeing the smile on his face and he was happy with his new acquisition.
However, I quickly started noticing that these new toys, so fascinating and entertaining while we were in the store or on the car ride home, suddenly seemed to lose their magical properties when we got home. I would find them outside, in the back yard smashed by my experimenting son with the shovel or buried in the dirt. Now, I admit, it wasn't every toy that I bought him but it I was spending enough of my hard earned money to be upset that he wasn't taking better care of them! So, I told myself I just wasn't going to do it anymore. Period!
I can hear you all laughing now. It isn't that simple. I know or at least I found out. But it was a learning experience I think many of us a parents go through. The next time we went to the store I was determined not to buy my son anything he didn't absolutely need. He whined. He cried. He basically pitched a fit and....walked away with a toy car. I consoled myself with the fact that at least it was only a dollar.
When we visited a store again we went through the same routine but he walked away with a more expensive toy. I was inwardly crushed! Why couldn't I just stick to my plan? So, the next time I resolved to stand firm....only to cave again. But I was getting smarter. I set a dollar limit for him that I was comfortable with. It was a step in the right direction at least.
This went on for years. There were times that he still through a fit but I learned not to give him his way. You see, I had known for years-as a teacher and an aunt-that the attention that you grant to children reinforces or extinguishes their behavior. That was basic psychology 101! It just took me a while to realize the application of it to my own child. It was so much easier to do with my students in a classroom. After all I was only partially responsible for their development. My son was completely my responsibility. I had big dreams for how I wanted him to grow up, the kind of man he would become. I still do! Remembering that is when it hit me-square in the forehead!!
My constant giving in to my son's tantrums was reinforcing behavior I most certainly did not want him to have. I started focusing on what I was teaching him. What lasting lessons would come out of our interactions? Did I want him to believe that he could behave anyway he wanted and still deserve to be rewarded? Absolutely not! I love my son, unequivocally but that love meant setting limits. It may sound harsh to some parents, but I came to the conclusion that because I loved him I had to make him earn those things he wanted.
My reasoning was that my job as his mother was to prepare him to be successful once I was no longer caring for him. I have 18 or so years to see that he is able to take care of him self responsibly. That means there is a lot of learning that has to happen! I have to teach him by what I say and do that life hands you nothing...you earn it! Sometimes it's easy to earn and sometimes it takes a whole lot of effort.
It changed a lot of what I do with my son. I guess, as I look at it, I stopped being so enamored with being a mom, with having this precious little boy and started actually learning myself. I started learning what it meant to be a parent. My child is not a toy that I buy adornments for. He's a life-long commitment of teaching, guiding and loving. I will never be a perfect parent. I will make plenty of mistakes. In the end, the measure of my success will be how well my son fares on his own.
Why the diatribe? Because I see too many other parents not instill discipline in their children. They seem afraid to lose their child's love if they do so. They don't set limits, don't curb their child's impulses and give them whatever they want. It pains me to watch it. I cry for that child. It especially hurts when it is someone close to me and when I see how disrespectful their child is back to them.
I see one friend who racks up credit card debt so her children can go to dance classes, gymnastics classes, art classes and so she can take them on vacation. They deserve it. That's how she feels. I see another who buys a 7 year old his own tablet computer for his birthday so he can play games on it! Another who purchased a car for a teenager who then refused to drive it, even though he picked it out and had to have it so he could get a job! Then had to sell the car at a loss, but bought him another one a few years later.
I do not mean to sound judgmental but there is a huge difference between helping your child and hindering them. If I have to pick my vision, I'm going with far-sighted. Too many people nowadays are near-sighted when it comes to their kids.
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Open Letter to Separated Parents Raising Children
To those of you who have children (even one) and are raising them without the other parent in the home,
Your child loves both of you as his parents regardless of how the two of you feel about each other. He wants to spend time with, hug, snuggle with, and play with both of you. He wants each of you to do the same with him. And, he is going to challenge each of you as he grows. Those challenges may come in different forms, at different times but they will be there for both of you.
The best thing you can do for your child is to be open to allowing his relationship with the other parent grow as it will. Don't try to control it. Don't try to thwart it. Just let it be....whatever it will become. Your child will thank you for it! Okay, maybe not with an outward thank you, but they will be happier and more well-adjusted.
Regardless of how the two of you feel about each other now there must have been a time that the two of you got along and had some form of love for each other. That love happened to manifest itself in the form of a child that you both were granted as a gift. Read that again, please. Yes, your child was a gift. To BOTH of you!
You may hate each other and treat each other as awfully as you wish - though I must say I have an issue with that as well. Hey, it's your perogative. Just as there was at some point love between you, I'm certain that this is a definite reason you are no longer together. But, you know what? That doesn't matter when it comes to your child. Hold it against your ex all you want. NEVER allow it to interfere with how you raise your child. If that means being nice to them when your child is around or encouraging them to keep in contact with your ex so be it!
About now you may be thinking, "Oh yeah, what do you know? He (insert all the nasty stuff you are holding onto that he/she did to you and you are carrying around as baggage)." You may be thinking that I haven't been through what you have. You're right. I have never walked in your shoes, been through what you've been through or felt what you feel. You may be thinking that I just don't have any clue what I'm talking about. You might be right. However, I have been teaching for 19 years now. I've worked with thousands of children and seen many different scenarios when it comes to parenting. I've also seen what those children are like, their strengths, weaknesses, insecurities, and confidences.
I may not know what you are going through or have been through, but I have my own story. Allow me to share it.
In August of 2000 I found out I was pregnant. My boyfriend and I had technically broken up in June of that year and had one tryst after that. I wasn't too thrilled with the prospect of telling him about the pregnancy because I knew he wouldn't take it well ~ understatement. I was thrilled, and more than a little frightened, about being pregnant. Thrilled because I wanted a child, badly. I had already missed the opportunity three times before (story for another blog). Frightened for a number of reasons: 1. I knew my ex wasn't going to be happy with the news, 2. I knew I was going to be doing this alone, 3. I had had issues before and needed medical assistance my first trimester....I could go on but I think you get the picture.
When I broke the news, he didn't take it bad....he took it miserably, horribly, terribly bad! He called me every bad name he could think of. He questioned whether it was his (though I had been faithful the entire 14 moths of our relationship and dated no one after). He accused me of trying to trap him into marriage. He told me that he would go to court and get an order from a judge to get an abortion or at least to stop the medication I was taking to increase my progesterone production. (Yeah, good luck with that one! LOL) He had his sister, a lawyer who had worked with adoptions, call me and try to convince me to give the baby up for adoption. And that was just the first two weeks after I told him. Yes, I felt totally, completely rejected, sad, and angry. I get it.
Over the course of my pregnancy, our relationship was a roller coaster. It's the best way I can describe it. Literally within one twenty-four hour period I recall him saying how we would be a family and make things work only to call me at 2:22 in the morning (I looked at the clock before answering the phone and that fact that the time still sticks in my head tells you a lot about how it scarred me in some ways) to say that I was a bitch and we were never going to be together. He was going to move to Canada and I wouldn't see a dime from him. See, for him it always seemed to be about the money.
Things settled down towards the end of my pregnancy and he was there during the delivery. He moved into my house for 6 months. It was then that I found out he was using drugs. I hadn't seen any signs before. I am naive, I know. I don't drink alcohol and have never tried any type of illegal drug so I just wasn't tuned into any of that....until I found something on my floor. Thankfully my son didn't crawl until he was a year old! His dad was asked to move out and told that I would help him kick the habit if he wanted the help. I assured him that I wasn't breaking things off, but that for the sake of our son and my job as a teacher he had to go. He immediately got a girlfriend!
Once I finally accepted that this wasn't even the guy I wanted to share my life with, we both moved on and I took on full responsibility for our son. We worked out a verbal agreement that he would help support him financially, but whenever it came time to hand over any money there was always something else more important that had come up. So, I decided that I needed to protect myself and my son and took him to court to make everything legal.....and he went ballistic!
Our son is ten now. Those years between then and now weren't all rosy. Far from it. I would say the first 6 years of our sons life the relationship between my ex and I was rocky. He would work and then quit or get fired. He would "forget" about picking our son up for his weekend visits or, one time, refuse to bring him home ~ and yes, being the mom that I am I called the cops to make sure he fully understood what the paperwork said! He broke into my house. I got my screaming son back one weekend because my ex couldn't get him to stop crying only to find two (yup, 2) pennies in his feces during his diaper change.
I tell you all of this because I want you to understand that, while I can never truly completely understand what you are going through because I've never walked in your shoes, I have similar experiences and share similar emotions.I could go on telling you negative stories, but....
The story isn't completely negative. Yes, I put up with a lot of crap from my ex. Yes, it was emotionally trying and hurtful. Yes, I had a hard time letting go of the things he had done to ME as well as how I felt he cared for our son. Yet, I got to a point where I realized that I needed to let it go. All those negative feelings were weighing ME down, not him because I was the one carrying the baggage around.
So, I threw my hands up and gave everything over to God. Honestly! It was bigger than me and I just couldn't take it anymore. Even though I didn't feel like it at first, I started to be nice to my ex. He didn't notice, but that was okay. I started encouraging him rather than ignoring him (my way of coping). I had long before told myself I wouldn't say anything nasty or negative about my ex to our son and I had stuck to that. Nothing good would come out of it anyway. But, now I was actually trying to be nice.
When he lost his job(s) I would listen to him tell me about why. When his car was repossessed from my driveway one night as he visited our son, I drove him back to his house and offered to help him out getting around. When he took a part-time job at UPS in the hopes of going full-time as a driver some day, I was supportive. I told him I understood his goal and didn't hound him about money - even when things were very tight. (So tight that I couldn't pay daycare for months but was blessed with a lady who understood and would wait for me to get my tax return money.) When he didn't feel comfortable taking our son to the house he was renting a room in because his roommate was "crazy", I allowed him to stay on the couch at my house and I didn't protest when that became every weekend rather than the court-ordered every other weekend. I was honest with him when he made a comment about us getting back together (an emphatic NO!), but tried to do it kindly.
It became easier the more I practice it. Hey, I'm human and will admit that there were times that I did NOT want to be nice and I wasn't. There were times that my own family told me I was stupid to "put up with so much of his shit". But I had given to God and once I did, truly did, I didn't have to worry about it anymore.
You know what happened? God turned my ex around. Maybe not completely or exactly how I would have wanted, but he changed him into a better father. The last 3 to 4 years have been good. We talk like friends, not just about our son. I can share woes with him about dating or about my job. We don't do it all the time, but sometimes we do. His jobs have been more stable. He doesn't miss weekends that he is supposed to be with our son anymore unless we have discussed it first and there is a good reason. In fact, during the summer because I am a school teacher, he takes our son every weekend. It's an arrangement we agreed upon....without any court assistance needed.
I used to bear the burden of our son pretty much on my own. Now, I don't have to. Last summer when things were tight, my ex stepped up and gave me extra money to help carry us through the summer months when things are the leanest for us. When issues have come up at school or at home discipline-wise, I share them with my ex and we discuss what we feel is best for our son. He backs me up. It isn't bliss, but I feel it's pretty good. I think we've come a long way.
In reading through this, were you able to figure out why? Because I learned and accepted that it wasn't about me! It was and always will be about our son. Carrying all of that baggage with memories of who my ex WAS didn't give him room to become anything more. It made the focus him or me not this wonderful gift of a son that we were given. The focus shifted from us to HIM.
It took one of us to get the ball rolling in the right direction. It wasn't easy! I had to constantly keep letting it go, keeping my focus on our son. My wise friend, Sandi, told me, "Just be the best mom you can be and don't worry about his dad. You can't control him, what he doesn't or doesn't do. Your son will one day be old enough to make his own judgments and you need to allow him to do that. If you don't, he will resent you for it." That resonated with me and I have never forgotten it. Her words were the catalyst to me giving it over to God and getting so much more in return than I could ever imagine.
Love your child by letting it go. You cannot change the past. Forgive and start over with today. Do that each and every day. Give it time and see how things change!
In Him ~
Sandra D
Your child loves both of you as his parents regardless of how the two of you feel about each other. He wants to spend time with, hug, snuggle with, and play with both of you. He wants each of you to do the same with him. And, he is going to challenge each of you as he grows. Those challenges may come in different forms, at different times but they will be there for both of you.
The best thing you can do for your child is to be open to allowing his relationship with the other parent grow as it will. Don't try to control it. Don't try to thwart it. Just let it be....whatever it will become. Your child will thank you for it! Okay, maybe not with an outward thank you, but they will be happier and more well-adjusted.
Regardless of how the two of you feel about each other now there must have been a time that the two of you got along and had some form of love for each other. That love happened to manifest itself in the form of a child that you both were granted as a gift. Read that again, please. Yes, your child was a gift. To BOTH of you!
You may hate each other and treat each other as awfully as you wish - though I must say I have an issue with that as well. Hey, it's your perogative. Just as there was at some point love between you, I'm certain that this is a definite reason you are no longer together. But, you know what? That doesn't matter when it comes to your child. Hold it against your ex all you want. NEVER allow it to interfere with how you raise your child. If that means being nice to them when your child is around or encouraging them to keep in contact with your ex so be it!
About now you may be thinking, "Oh yeah, what do you know? He (insert all the nasty stuff you are holding onto that he/she did to you and you are carrying around as baggage)." You may be thinking that I haven't been through what you have. You're right. I have never walked in your shoes, been through what you've been through or felt what you feel. You may be thinking that I just don't have any clue what I'm talking about. You might be right. However, I have been teaching for 19 years now. I've worked with thousands of children and seen many different scenarios when it comes to parenting. I've also seen what those children are like, their strengths, weaknesses, insecurities, and confidences.
I may not know what you are going through or have been through, but I have my own story. Allow me to share it.
In August of 2000 I found out I was pregnant. My boyfriend and I had technically broken up in June of that year and had one tryst after that. I wasn't too thrilled with the prospect of telling him about the pregnancy because I knew he wouldn't take it well ~ understatement. I was thrilled, and more than a little frightened, about being pregnant. Thrilled because I wanted a child, badly. I had already missed the opportunity three times before (story for another blog). Frightened for a number of reasons: 1. I knew my ex wasn't going to be happy with the news, 2. I knew I was going to be doing this alone, 3. I had had issues before and needed medical assistance my first trimester....I could go on but I think you get the picture.
When I broke the news, he didn't take it bad....he took it miserably, horribly, terribly bad! He called me every bad name he could think of. He questioned whether it was his (though I had been faithful the entire 14 moths of our relationship and dated no one after). He accused me of trying to trap him into marriage. He told me that he would go to court and get an order from a judge to get an abortion or at least to stop the medication I was taking to increase my progesterone production. (Yeah, good luck with that one! LOL) He had his sister, a lawyer who had worked with adoptions, call me and try to convince me to give the baby up for adoption. And that was just the first two weeks after I told him. Yes, I felt totally, completely rejected, sad, and angry. I get it.
Over the course of my pregnancy, our relationship was a roller coaster. It's the best way I can describe it. Literally within one twenty-four hour period I recall him saying how we would be a family and make things work only to call me at 2:22 in the morning (I looked at the clock before answering the phone and that fact that the time still sticks in my head tells you a lot about how it scarred me in some ways) to say that I was a bitch and we were never going to be together. He was going to move to Canada and I wouldn't see a dime from him. See, for him it always seemed to be about the money.
Things settled down towards the end of my pregnancy and he was there during the delivery. He moved into my house for 6 months. It was then that I found out he was using drugs. I hadn't seen any signs before. I am naive, I know. I don't drink alcohol and have never tried any type of illegal drug so I just wasn't tuned into any of that....until I found something on my floor. Thankfully my son didn't crawl until he was a year old! His dad was asked to move out and told that I would help him kick the habit if he wanted the help. I assured him that I wasn't breaking things off, but that for the sake of our son and my job as a teacher he had to go. He immediately got a girlfriend!
Once I finally accepted that this wasn't even the guy I wanted to share my life with, we both moved on and I took on full responsibility for our son. We worked out a verbal agreement that he would help support him financially, but whenever it came time to hand over any money there was always something else more important that had come up. So, I decided that I needed to protect myself and my son and took him to court to make everything legal.....and he went ballistic!
Our son is ten now. Those years between then and now weren't all rosy. Far from it. I would say the first 6 years of our sons life the relationship between my ex and I was rocky. He would work and then quit or get fired. He would "forget" about picking our son up for his weekend visits or, one time, refuse to bring him home ~ and yes, being the mom that I am I called the cops to make sure he fully understood what the paperwork said! He broke into my house. I got my screaming son back one weekend because my ex couldn't get him to stop crying only to find two (yup, 2) pennies in his feces during his diaper change.
I tell you all of this because I want you to understand that, while I can never truly completely understand what you are going through because I've never walked in your shoes, I have similar experiences and share similar emotions.I could go on telling you negative stories, but....
The story isn't completely negative. Yes, I put up with a lot of crap from my ex. Yes, it was emotionally trying and hurtful. Yes, I had a hard time letting go of the things he had done to ME as well as how I felt he cared for our son. Yet, I got to a point where I realized that I needed to let it go. All those negative feelings were weighing ME down, not him because I was the one carrying the baggage around.
So, I threw my hands up and gave everything over to God. Honestly! It was bigger than me and I just couldn't take it anymore. Even though I didn't feel like it at first, I started to be nice to my ex. He didn't notice, but that was okay. I started encouraging him rather than ignoring him (my way of coping). I had long before told myself I wouldn't say anything nasty or negative about my ex to our son and I had stuck to that. Nothing good would come out of it anyway. But, now I was actually trying to be nice.
When he lost his job(s) I would listen to him tell me about why. When his car was repossessed from my driveway one night as he visited our son, I drove him back to his house and offered to help him out getting around. When he took a part-time job at UPS in the hopes of going full-time as a driver some day, I was supportive. I told him I understood his goal and didn't hound him about money - even when things were very tight. (So tight that I couldn't pay daycare for months but was blessed with a lady who understood and would wait for me to get my tax return money.) When he didn't feel comfortable taking our son to the house he was renting a room in because his roommate was "crazy", I allowed him to stay on the couch at my house and I didn't protest when that became every weekend rather than the court-ordered every other weekend. I was honest with him when he made a comment about us getting back together (an emphatic NO!), but tried to do it kindly.
It became easier the more I practice it. Hey, I'm human and will admit that there were times that I did NOT want to be nice and I wasn't. There were times that my own family told me I was stupid to "put up with so much of his shit". But I had given to God and once I did, truly did, I didn't have to worry about it anymore.
You know what happened? God turned my ex around. Maybe not completely or exactly how I would have wanted, but he changed him into a better father. The last 3 to 4 years have been good. We talk like friends, not just about our son. I can share woes with him about dating or about my job. We don't do it all the time, but sometimes we do. His jobs have been more stable. He doesn't miss weekends that he is supposed to be with our son anymore unless we have discussed it first and there is a good reason. In fact, during the summer because I am a school teacher, he takes our son every weekend. It's an arrangement we agreed upon....without any court assistance needed.
I used to bear the burden of our son pretty much on my own. Now, I don't have to. Last summer when things were tight, my ex stepped up and gave me extra money to help carry us through the summer months when things are the leanest for us. When issues have come up at school or at home discipline-wise, I share them with my ex and we discuss what we feel is best for our son. He backs me up. It isn't bliss, but I feel it's pretty good. I think we've come a long way.
In reading through this, were you able to figure out why? Because I learned and accepted that it wasn't about me! It was and always will be about our son. Carrying all of that baggage with memories of who my ex WAS didn't give him room to become anything more. It made the focus him or me not this wonderful gift of a son that we were given. The focus shifted from us to HIM.
It took one of us to get the ball rolling in the right direction. It wasn't easy! I had to constantly keep letting it go, keeping my focus on our son. My wise friend, Sandi, told me, "Just be the best mom you can be and don't worry about his dad. You can't control him, what he doesn't or doesn't do. Your son will one day be old enough to make his own judgments and you need to allow him to do that. If you don't, he will resent you for it." That resonated with me and I have never forgotten it. Her words were the catalyst to me giving it over to God and getting so much more in return than I could ever imagine.
Love your child by letting it go. You cannot change the past. Forgive and start over with today. Do that each and every day. Give it time and see how things change!
In Him ~
Sandra D
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Selfless
I've been pondering this word for a few days now. I'm not convinced that even I fully understand it, but I can say this, most of the world -especially nowadays- does not. Maybe because it isn't an easy thing to live or maybe because there is not a single person I know of that can claim title 100% of the time.
Why even bother? Because we are called to. One of my favorite passages from the Bible is John 15:13. I love it so much that I'm thinking about making it a second tattoo. (And, no, I'm not one of those heavily tattooed people. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I have one already. A cherry blossom with 1Cor. 13:4-8, 13 curved around it. My absolute favorite verse.) Sorry to digress. Anyway, it states, "No greater love hath man than he would lay down his life for another." Disclaimer: there are different translations of the Bible. So you may have read it slightly differently, but I like this translation best.
Many would read those words and immediately conclude that the passage refers to actually, physically dying for someone else. I don't interpret it that way. To me it means giving up one's self interests, desires, and, yes, even sometimes needs for the sake of someone else. It means you don't always get your own way nor do you always want to get your own way. You sacrifice your wants, needs for those of another human being.
Why would you do that, you might ask? Out of love! Woah, now, slow down. Wait a minute and don't go jumping to conclusions here. There are many forms of love. You don't have to be in a relationship with the person. You may not even know them. More likely, you do, of course and you are extremely close - somehow.
Example: If anyone reading has children, you know exactly what I am talking about. There are times that we parents go without (something) so that our children can have something. I have been blessed to have one son. He is, in general, a good kid. Every person has their little quirks and their moments! There are times that I put his needs before my own. Okay, many times, but if I'm being completely honest, not ALL the time. I can remember being knock-down, drag-out sick one day. He was nine at the time. Just last year. It was one of those days, you know? My head was about to split open, even having my eyes open to see light hurt and aspirin wasn't helping. It was also spinning, possibly because I hadn't really been able to coax any food to stay in my stomach. All I wanted, and probably needed, at the time was to sleep. But in our house there is just the two of us, me and him. He is a pretty independent kid, but when he's hungry sometimes he needs help making his food. So, I got up and made him something to eat. Any parent has done it before. Selfless.
Example 2: Now, I have to forewarn you some of you will think I'm nuts. I'm not trying to, in any way, pat myself on the back here. Just trying to illustrate a point. (And probably give you insight as to why this concept of "selfless" has been sticking in my head.)
I have a boyfriend who has a son that does not live in the same state. It's summer and visiting time. All of us have jobs and need to work. I have the privelege of being a teacher (more on that at a later date I'm sure). That means I do not have to report to work during the summer. (Please read between the lines at this point to see that I did NOT say I don't work during the summer. I just have....a more flexible schedule shall we say.) I suggested that they stay with my son and I in our home over the summer. It would make things easier. He would have time away from his roommate. His son and my son could share a room - bunk beds are wonderful. They would have each other for company to play with as they are both only children and he wouldn't have to pay anyone for daycare.
They are going to be with us a grand total of 8 weeks. Three have gone by and they haven't been bad at all. There have been adjustments, sure. There were bound to be adjustments. My son and I have to adjust to summer time any given summer because the routine changes, the expectations change. We roll with it the best we can.
My boyfriend works long hours. Sometimes he leaves the house at 7 in the morning and doesn't get back until 9 that night. When he gets home, he wants to spend that time with his son. We talk and we are all basically together. However, his focus is his son - as it should be. And, yes, at times I feel myself - my selfish self - saying "that's not fair". I know, I know. On the one hand you all are thinking you wouldn't put up with that. On the other, some of you are thinking I sound like a kid myself with all this it's not fair stuff.
That's where the thinking part came in. When I took a step back and examined how I was feeling and the specifics of the situation I agree! I sounded exactly like a spoiled little brat! I needed to be selfless. Here is my reasoning. I needed to look at the big picture, not my own little corner of it. Sure I would like to have my boyfriend's attention. However, what was the most important thing in the situation? Right! Him spending time with his son. So, for these 8 weeks I am in the back seat. I have put my wants and possibly needs aside to make sure that he has that time and that his son has that time also. I get time with my boyfriend the rest of the year that his son doesn't. Wouldn't it be selfish of me not to recognize that and keep things in perspective?
Most people would read this and think I'm crazy or any number of other less than flattering terms. I challenge them to think differently. The current culture of ME FIRST is, in my opinion, one of the most disheartening trends. We all need to be a little more selfless at times. Can you imagine what the world would be like if we practiced it even just a little more?
In Him ~ Sandra D
Why even bother? Because we are called to. One of my favorite passages from the Bible is John 15:13. I love it so much that I'm thinking about making it a second tattoo. (And, no, I'm not one of those heavily tattooed people. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I have one already. A cherry blossom with 1Cor. 13:4-8, 13 curved around it. My absolute favorite verse.) Sorry to digress. Anyway, it states, "No greater love hath man than he would lay down his life for another." Disclaimer: there are different translations of the Bible. So you may have read it slightly differently, but I like this translation best.
Many would read those words and immediately conclude that the passage refers to actually, physically dying for someone else. I don't interpret it that way. To me it means giving up one's self interests, desires, and, yes, even sometimes needs for the sake of someone else. It means you don't always get your own way nor do you always want to get your own way. You sacrifice your wants, needs for those of another human being.
Why would you do that, you might ask? Out of love! Woah, now, slow down. Wait a minute and don't go jumping to conclusions here. There are many forms of love. You don't have to be in a relationship with the person. You may not even know them. More likely, you do, of course and you are extremely close - somehow.
Example: If anyone reading has children, you know exactly what I am talking about. There are times that we parents go without (something) so that our children can have something. I have been blessed to have one son. He is, in general, a good kid. Every person has their little quirks and their moments! There are times that I put his needs before my own. Okay, many times, but if I'm being completely honest, not ALL the time. I can remember being knock-down, drag-out sick one day. He was nine at the time. Just last year. It was one of those days, you know? My head was about to split open, even having my eyes open to see light hurt and aspirin wasn't helping. It was also spinning, possibly because I hadn't really been able to coax any food to stay in my stomach. All I wanted, and probably needed, at the time was to sleep. But in our house there is just the two of us, me and him. He is a pretty independent kid, but when he's hungry sometimes he needs help making his food. So, I got up and made him something to eat. Any parent has done it before. Selfless.
Example 2: Now, I have to forewarn you some of you will think I'm nuts. I'm not trying to, in any way, pat myself on the back here. Just trying to illustrate a point. (And probably give you insight as to why this concept of "selfless" has been sticking in my head.)
I have a boyfriend who has a son that does not live in the same state. It's summer and visiting time. All of us have jobs and need to work. I have the privelege of being a teacher (more on that at a later date I'm sure). That means I do not have to report to work during the summer. (Please read between the lines at this point to see that I did NOT say I don't work during the summer. I just have....a more flexible schedule shall we say.) I suggested that they stay with my son and I in our home over the summer. It would make things easier. He would have time away from his roommate. His son and my son could share a room - bunk beds are wonderful. They would have each other for company to play with as they are both only children and he wouldn't have to pay anyone for daycare.
They are going to be with us a grand total of 8 weeks. Three have gone by and they haven't been bad at all. There have been adjustments, sure. There were bound to be adjustments. My son and I have to adjust to summer time any given summer because the routine changes, the expectations change. We roll with it the best we can.
My boyfriend works long hours. Sometimes he leaves the house at 7 in the morning and doesn't get back until 9 that night. When he gets home, he wants to spend that time with his son. We talk and we are all basically together. However, his focus is his son - as it should be. And, yes, at times I feel myself - my selfish self - saying "that's not fair". I know, I know. On the one hand you all are thinking you wouldn't put up with that. On the other, some of you are thinking I sound like a kid myself with all this it's not fair stuff.
That's where the thinking part came in. When I took a step back and examined how I was feeling and the specifics of the situation I agree! I sounded exactly like a spoiled little brat! I needed to be selfless. Here is my reasoning. I needed to look at the big picture, not my own little corner of it. Sure I would like to have my boyfriend's attention. However, what was the most important thing in the situation? Right! Him spending time with his son. So, for these 8 weeks I am in the back seat. I have put my wants and possibly needs aside to make sure that he has that time and that his son has that time also. I get time with my boyfriend the rest of the year that his son doesn't. Wouldn't it be selfish of me not to recognize that and keep things in perspective?
Most people would read this and think I'm crazy or any number of other less than flattering terms. I challenge them to think differently. The current culture of ME FIRST is, in my opinion, one of the most disheartening trends. We all need to be a little more selfless at times. Can you imagine what the world would be like if we practiced it even just a little more?
In Him ~ Sandra D
And so, it begins...
Over the past month, I've become more acquainted with a few friends that blog. Some of them do it as what you might call a profession. Some aspire to create a blog that becomes such. Others simply blog for themselves. I've been told this last one is really a journal. If this is true, well, then I guess I am beginning a journal.
And so...this blog was created as a source to share my thoughts on a variety of topics, be they baking, teaching, raising a child, or-most likely-just life in general.
And so...this blog was created as a source to share my thoughts on a variety of topics, be they baking, teaching, raising a child, or-most likely-just life in general.
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